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Roadblocks to Making Amends
Posted on July 27, 2026, tagged as
On the heroic journey of recovery, the reluctance to continue the journey occurs with every step of the way. Fear underlies this resistance, and when it comes to making amends, this shows up in spades. Fear of material or relationship loss is prominent if there are confessions of cheating or stealing to confront. As a practical matter, sometimes it is wise to delay such amends making. Counsel from a sponsor, therapist, or wise friend can help in such circumstances. However, the main other reason motivating this resistance is the fear of shame and embarrassment. These feelings are painful, and it is understandable that we want to protect ourselves from them.
Up to this point on our journey, we have stopped drinking, drugging, gambling or whatever, made some kind of connection with a higher power, made a “fearless and searching” self-evaluation, openly shared this inventory with a trusted person, and decided to be a better person. If we have been sincere and thorough in these efforts, we have acquired a significant degree of humility. I like to think of the acquisition of humility as ego-deflation at depth. We owe this phrase to psychiatrist Harry Tiebout and his patient and Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson. If I have let out most of the gas in my Mike ego-balloon, then I will not feel the need to protect myself from the shame and embarrassment that amends-making would typically produce. I have accepted myself as human, and as such I am inherently imperfect. This imperfection is my human nature.
World literature has many powerful stories that illustrate the human problems we may face in life at one time or another. There is much we can learn from these stories. In the Biblical story of Jacob and Esau, Jacob has cheated his older brother out of both his birthright and his father’s blessing. He has run away to a far-off land but after twenty years it is time to return and face the music. He learns that his brother is waiting for him with an army of four-hundred men. After bringing his wives, children, servants and herds across the river, he crosses back to spend the night in prayer. He wrestles with a being all night long. It is speculative who this man is. Does he struggle with himself, an angel, God, or is it all a dream? Clearly though, in the morning he is a changed person. He has taken his eighth step. Crossing the river, symbolic of the threshold of his character building, he proceeds directly to making his amends. This is a helpful description of the significance of amends making as an aspect of personal growth in the progression of the heroic journey of recovery. The willingness to make amends is the precursor to the final vital step of character building, setting us up for a lifetime of being spiritually focused and living our most purposeful and worthwhile lives.