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Dealing with Fear
Posted on August 21, 2026, tagged as
Of the many people whom I encounter in the course of my life, most are anxious, whether it is obvious to others or not. Of the few who may not struggle with anxiety, they still experience fear on a daily basis. (If you don’t believe me, take a drive in your car.) The difference is that such people seem to have developed tools to deal with their fear as it arises, in such a way that they don’t hold on to the fear. Anxiety is nothing more (or less) than fear that stays with a person. The twelve-step recovery programs have adopted a prayer composed originally by Reinhold Niebuhr, a twentieth century American Protestant theologian. The first sentence of the prayer reads, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer is a tool people can implement in dealing with fear. It is an acknowledgement, first, that life is often difficult and second, always uncontrollable. Things in life are never exactly the way we want them to be. Things could always go wrong, and while not a constant preoccupation for most people, we all know that one day we will die. So, we ask to be sufficiently peaceful (serene) to accept what we can’t change.
Next, we face the fact that there must be things that we can change, even if the only thing we seem to be able to change is our attitude about our circumstances. Often there is also an action we can take, but what stops us is fear. Here we need to find some courage. I don’t think of courage as something I can use to control my fear, but rather what I use to manage my fear. Control of fear implies gaining power over it. Management of fear implies learning to live with it in such a way that it loses its power to control us. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was frightened for obvious reasons. As I went through the process of meeting with doctors, getting medical tests, and being presented with a treatment plan I felt much less frightened. It was as though having cancer became my new normal. And when very soon thereafter, before any treatment had started, another cancer was discovered, I was able roll with the punch. I met with another doctor, had more tests, found out how my treatment plan had to be modified, and started chemotherapy. Happily, and obviously, seven years later I am still alive, and thankfully, both cancers remain in remission.
What is the wisdom to know the difference? This is gained mostly through experience in life. We discover what we can change (mostly ourselves), and what will resist our efforts to change (the rest of the world.) If I see something that I believe is wrong, I can try to change it. This could be as simple as picking up a piece of trash, or as challenging as deciding to run for political office to bring about change in how things are done in my community. And even having a political position doesn’t guarantee that I can get things done my way. President Harry Truman said this about President-elect Eisenhower, a military commander who when he issued an order, he was accustomed to having it followed. “I would love to be able to see the look on Eisenhower’s face the first time as president, when seated at his desk in the oval office, he issues an order, and nothing happens.”
In the Alcoholics Anonymous book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we find insight into what lies behind our anxieties and fear of change. “The chief activator of our defects (personal shortcomings) has been self-centered fear—primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.” Here is an insight into the cause of our anxieties. People starting a twelve-step program have come to face the fact that their life is unmanageable. Having stopped drinking, drugging, gambling, controlling, or whatever, the next step is to learn how to deal with life on life’s terms. The programs offer a twelve-step process, a set of tools that can be used to not only stop the additive behavior, but to learn how to live a sober life. Having accepted the frightening challenge of quitting the addiction, they are now confronted with the anxieties of life that they used to cope with using their drug or behavior of choice.
In the first three steps of the program, people have accepted the notion of reliance on a higher power. They have learned to pray for serenity, courage, and wisdom. As I look around the rooms in my twelve-step program I see people who remain abstinent and face their serious life difficulties with serenity, dignity, and grace even though they may not be perfectly free from anxiety. Such examples show me that I can do the same, and I am happy to say that so far it is working reasonably well.
Of course, there are other means of learning to deal with anxiety than twelve-step solutions. For some, seeing a therapist can be very helpful. Taking non-addictive anxiety medication is essential for some. Seeing a mental health profession for proper diagnosis will lead to the right medication and therapy plan. Adopting a plan of action to address a problem can be extremely effective in reducing anxiety. Support of friends, family members, and clergy is often useful. There are many good books offering insight and help in dealing with life’s difficulties. Please be assured that anxiety is a normal aspect of life, and that if you don’t try to deal with it alone, you will find more peacefulness than you thought possible.