The Nineth Step

Posted on August 21, 2026, tagged as

We have looked at, over the past several months, the fact that courage is called for on the heroic journey of recovery. We now arrive at the most demanding step of all, where we must step away from the safety net of people who have been directly supporting our recovery journey to facing those people who were subjected to our uncontrolled addictive behavior. Thus far we have dealt with understanding supportive people who, by and large, tell us they did the same heinous things that we have admitted to. But now we must face the ex-boss, the ex-spouse, the current spouse or significant other, our kids, our parents, neighbors, and others who were caught up in our selfish, thoughtless, destructive behavior.

What is it that we say to them? We admit to them when and in what way we have injured them. The damage may have been financial, to a relationship, lies told, work-related dishonesty, gossiping, various ways of acting out anger, including holding resentments, or other means of harm. These are difficult conversations, and they may not go smoothly. If our apology is not accepted, if we are met with hostility, then we accept it for the moment as something we have no control over. We do not meet anger with anger. We must be careful not to harbor selfish motives in these conversations. We can’t use the amends to try to manipulate the forgiveness of a financial obligation, for example.

Speaking of forgiveness, there is some debate about whether it is appropriate to ask for forgiveness at all. Some people believe that the action of the ninth step should be strictly confined to us making the amends, with no expectation of a response. We need not be expecting anything for ourselves other than the good result of clearing up the wreckage of the past.The best reason for asking for forgiveness is that it gives our person the opportunity to verbalize forgiveness, allowing them to release a long-held resentment. Such decisions must be made in consultation with our sponsor, or other trusted friend or therapist. Some of these amends are better put in writing, giving the person harmed time and space to think before responding. Good judgment is called for, a commodity some have lacked for a long time.

And it may not be enough to make an apology. There may be money owed, or other obligations left unsatisfied. Another issue to consider is the possibility of imprisonment if the amends involve theft, violent crime, or other felony. It is one thing to be willing to face prison, but another thing to subject one’s family to prolonged loss of income. Everyone’s situation is unique and requires wise counsel and prayerful, and may I say, sober reflection. There may be good reasons to delay the amends, but fear should not be one of them. It is not unusual for people to make some direct amends immediately, and to wait long periods of time to make others. Circumstances may demand waiting or even not ever making the amend.

Another issue to mention is the harms we have done where we wonder if they were really harms at all. Maybe we are making too much of circumstances or situations. My suggestion is that if the situation keeps coming up in your mind, and you keep telling yourself it is nothing, more likely it is something. It is better to approach the person, make amends, and get it off your conscience.

The keys here are willingness and accepting wise guidance. Suffice it to say that the payoff for completing this step to the best of one’s ability is tremendous. Indeed, it marks the completion of the quest, of the search for the treasure, of the transformation of the addict into a sober, decent person who is prepared to live a purposeful life.